I have always wanted to die, until …

I always use my Medium as my journal, to write the life lessons that I got. This time, the intention is — not for me to write what I have known, but — to write my latest spiritual journey with hope to get the silver linings behind those surprising events I just experienced. The story started when I finally decided to buy a one-way ticket to Bali.

Back in July I got this enlightenment where I — for the first time it seems — finally got the chance to talk to my higher self. One night, I suddenly felt like I was far away from God so I tried to talk to Him inside my heart and really felt His presence in me. I bursted into tears. I didn’t know for sure why I cried for. What I felt back then was the urge to go to the place I knew but never went to, without clear reasonings why. I didn’t question, though.

“By learning to trust your intuition, miracles seem to happen. Intuitive thoughts are gift from higher self”
— Susan Jeffers

So I went to the place the next day. Without maps as I just trusted my guts. Got lost for awhile but I finally reached my destination. The place was ok. But the fact that I got from the place was quite shocking. I realized it was the sign for me to end my relationship with my boyfriend back then. So did I.

The breakup wasn’t so bad to me. Yet this breakup gave me time to really work on my healing. To think of the burden I still had in life to really let it go. The timing was quite right, too. I had plan to go to Bali with my crystal friends and I decided to buy a one-way ticket. With the intention to find my true self, reparent myself and let go any negative believe system that I have from the family before me.

My journey in Bali was truly eye-opening. I met different people in different life stages and with different beliefs. I went on many rituals from sound healing, meditation to purification ritual in Hindu. And I realized one thing. We are too focused on polarity in life, while in essence, every existence is one singularity. I realized that God is an absolute being with different interpretation from people. I realized that inside every human body, there’s a spirit that is actually genderless and connected one to another.

“As above so below. As within so without. As the universe so the soul”

Tat tvam asi. Thou art that. You are them.

A Balinese painter told me about this teaching. For us to remember that we are all one, inside. This to remember not to think bad about other being, not to do bad to other being, as it reflects on how we treat ourselves. So I reflected. I tried to be a better person by accepting everyone as they are. Accepting life as it is.

Then life opened my eyes with another hit. That was a regular day in Bali until I noticed something was wrong with my body. So I went to a hospital. By myself. Then I was diagnosed with a high-risk virus that can lead to critical illness. I was shocked.

I took a walk that night, crying behind my sunglasses. I thought I had accepted life as it is. I had not. I still questioned God on why I got to experience this illness in life. Then I realized, I had always wanted to die eversince my sister passed away. I even started smoking because of that reason. Maybe God granted my wishes. Yet now that I felt more purposeful in life, I felt terribly sad.

So I went home. I felt completely grateful for my current partner who supported me unconditionally. Who helped me get through those terrible days. He gave me hope. He gave me motivation to stay alive. But is it right to use him as my reason to live? I don’t think so.

I then talked to my spiritual gurus. I understand that physical illness comes from unhealthy mind. So I asked him why I get this illness. “Virus is a result of a belief system based on resentment from relationship” he said. As the virus I got was around reproductive system, he said the resentment may come from a feminine aspect.

My relationship with mom, I guessed.

So I reflected. Do I still have resentment towards her? Do I still have hatred? Do I still hold grudges? Maybe.

I’ve been forcing myself not to be like my mom. I don’t want to raise kids the way my mom raised me. I don’t want to treat people the way my mom does. But I didn’t realize, those belief system actually leads me to become another version of her.

I even wrote my good traits and bad traits and I saw how similar I was to my mom. Unconsciously. The more I wanted to get rid of her, the more I became her. The more I tried to run away, the closer I was to become her. And this karma will not ever stop if I don’t learn. So what can I learn from it?

“Well then, this body is dead. It will be carried stiff to the burning ground and then reduced to ashes. But, wit the death of the body, am I dead? Is the body I? This body is not silent and stiff. But I continue to feel the full force of myself apart from its condition.”
—Ramana Maharshi, Account by Paul Brunton, A Search in Secret India.

My other spiritual guru introduced me to Ramana Maharshi, an Indian sage who went to a spiritual journey by leaving his material world. It got me thinking that my sick body was not me. My true self is not limited to my body. Yet my body is my transportation in this life. When my body is sick, it actually tells me that I have a problem to solve.

This time, my problem to solve is my resentment towards my mom. I need to accept her presence in my life. I need to be grateful as without her I wouldn’t become who I am right now. I need to allow her to be in my life. And I need to realize that whatever she did to me was exactly how I deserved to experience, as life is already the best scenario God can direct.

If I want to be better, I need to be better for me — not for my ego to not become like my mom. If I want to be a good wife, I need to be a good version of myself as a wife — not as the opposite of my mom. If I want to be a great mother, I need to be a sincere and loving mother — not with the fear of becoming like my mom.

My mom is another version of me. I am another version of my mom. Deep inside we are one. I accept her presence in my life, I allow her to be in my life, but I am not her and I have my own belief systems. I shall work towards my resentment: I can, I will and I’m letting it go now.

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly”
— Buddha



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Product Manager for a tech company. A beginner in spiritual journey. I write on weekend with intentions to release negative emotions and turn it into learnings.